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Post by GabiGirl23 on Apr 9, 2002 1:18:22 GMT -5
OK I have more AD ~ I'm not mad at you. You haven't experienced it like I have, and I get that. It's hard to relate to someone when you haven't lived it. But please let me set the record straight: Just because someone is self abusive and attempts suicide does not make them conceited. It's actually the opposite. It means the person feels so hopeless and worthless that they think the world would be better off without them. Trust me, you know I've been there. Most people don't do it for attention, but some do. I'm not one of those people. Think about it...you saw my arms about a week and a half ago, and you saw what I did to them. I've been doing that since October. If I was just looking for attention, don't you think I would have told someone before then? So please don't think I'm a terrible person...I really can't take it from you too. D ~ As much as we rag on each other, I love you more than you'll ever know. You're one of my best friends, my substitute big brother, and a better father figure than anyone I've ever known, even if you're only a year older than me. You make me crack up when nobody else can even get me to smile. You're an awesome person and you've been there for me in ways nobody else has. I'll never ever forget you, I promise. S ~ OK so I saved the one I have the most to say to until last. You have no power over me anymore. You desperately need to hear that, but you won't. And for once, it's not going to be because I feel guilty for being angry with you, and it's not going to be because I'm compromising my self worth for you AGAIN, and it's not going to be because I'm justifying your actions. No. It's going to be because I'm not going to waste my breath or time on you. You've broken my heart so many times, hurt me so many times, betrayed me so many times. But I was so blind to that. All I could see was your charm, your good looks, and your lies. But I'm not falling for that anymore. There's no number high enough to count the nights I've cried myself to sleep because of you. I can't begin to describe the kind of hurt I've felt ever since you came into my life. The other night, when you lectured me for being upset, and said that stuff to me, it hurt so bad I could hardly breathe. It felt like someone was punching me over and over and over again. I wasn't looking for support; just someone to listen without judging. I trusted you with everything I had and you let me down over and over again. Well finally it clicked. Finally, as I sat there crying my eyes out because it hurt so bad, and feeling paralyzed, like I would never again be able to move or feel, because of the pain I felt, it finally got through to me. You've equalled almost nothing but pain since I've known you. I can't believe I wasted 7 months of my life liking your pathetic excuse for a guy...your sorry, conceited player self. It disgusts me I ever gave you the kind of power you had over me. But that's gone now. I've finally realized that I am a totally OK person without you. I finally realized I don't need you in my life. I finally realized I don't have to waste my time on you. I have the power to take away the pain you've given me. And ever since I made that decision, you haven't hurt me. Today, all I felt was anger. And soon that will go away. And soon my broken heart will heal. And never again will you break it, because I'm stronger now, and I have never been more determined in my life than I am right now, to keep you away from me. I'm happier now. Not happy, granted, but it's amazing how deleting you from my life has made it start to come together. I've realized there's so many things better I could be doing than wasting my time on you. And now I do those things. And you know something? I enjoy them, and they do a hell of a lot more for my happiness than you ever have or will. So I hope you don't expect for us to be close at all, like you did today. I've worked hard to get you out of my system, and I'm still working. And I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to surrender to the pain you give me anymore, disguised as happiness at first. I don't need you. K sorry this has been so long, but I needed to get all this stuff off my chest. You guys are right...this really works!!!
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 10, 2002 0:08:25 GMT -5
B: Sometimes I think I am almost over you. I think about you and I feel nothing. I get so happy, because I figure that everything will just go back to normal. But then I feel it. That deep feeling that's right in the pit of my stomach. That excited feeling, that happy feeling, that I get just by looking at you, and when I talk to you, it's even more. I get proud of you. I get excited for you. I get happy for you. And then I get angry, because I am not over you. I'm sorry that this is taking so long. I am. I don't think it's affecting you at all, but if it is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't been talking to you lately (it's been 3 days... that feels like a long time). I miss you. But I don't want you around. I want to be able to move on my life, if you are going to move on with yours. Why can't you just see that Cammie isn't right for you. Or maybe she is and I just can't see it. I can't stop loving you B, I'm sorry.
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Post by LisaRocksYourWorld, yo on Apr 10, 2002 17:24:51 GMT -5
K- You have your other life, and suddenly I don't exist anymore? When your boyfriend leaves and you're shunned out of his "group", you'll have no one left.
S- You totally confuse me. We talk, but not nearly as much as we used to. I know it gets on my nerves when you're talking to other girls, but I don't even realize I'm talking (and flirting) with other guys. You could possibly be hurting just as much, if not more than me. I know I'm bad at making conversation. I really don't know why I blame everything on you, it's my fault just as much, if not more. You're the one who always makes the effort to talk to me. I like you so much, I clam up. I want to reach out to you and touch you and hold you but I repress my feelings. It's almost been a year since the whole A incident. Remember that day you asked ME to go on the ferris wheel with you? It would have been ME you were cuddling with. I still cry over that night, even though it was so long ago... Maybe this year things will be different. Maybe you've changed. Maybe I've changed. Maybe we haven't. You always look so sad... Why? Was it something I've done? If I did anything to hurt you, I apologize. I still love you (Yes, love), and maybe someday things will turn out.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 12, 2002 19:22:20 GMT -5
B: Well, I'm sorry for being so angry with you yesterday. I'm still hurt and I still feel like kicking you, but I don't hate you. I never did. Actually, wait, I kind of hate you. I hate what you do to me. I hate what you've done to me. I hate that I feel really weird around you now. I don't know why but I feel like you are sick of me. Like you can't stand the sight of me and I'm just walking around bothering you all the time. I don't mean to. I'm sorry. I can't help it if our paths cross all the time. I'm not following you. Okay, so maybe I have before, you know, set up times where we would be together, "accidentally" been in the same place as you. Okay, yeah, maybe a lot. And maybe I still do that. But you don't know that, so don't get sick of me and don't act so concieted about it. And please don't get sick of me. Please?
C: I had fun with you today. I really did. And I'm glad that we can be friends after all that's happened. I don't hate you. I really don't. I'm sorry that sometimes I get pissed at you and I'm sorry that sometimes I hate you. I don't ever truly hate you. I guess I'll never know what he finds so attractive about you, but oh well, you're my friend, so, I hope you are happy. I won't be too upset if you decide to break up with him some day though. I wouldn't cry or anything (I might even cheer) but I'll be okay if you stay together too. Whatever.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 14, 2002 23:25:59 GMT -5
B: I thought that I was getting over you. I really thought that I was. I thought that I was going to be able to just be your friend and see you with Cammie and be okay. I was wrong. I'm in love with you Brad. I am. I always have been. I will probably say 100 times more that I'm getting over you, but as much as I say it, it will never be true. You are the most incredible guy ever and I love you. I really really do. As a person. As a friend. And as more. I love you.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 16, 2002 21:13:14 GMT -5
B: nothing's changed. I'm still in love with you.
J: Would you just ask me to the Prom already!!! I mean, I'm really hoping you didn't randomly get a date or something because I really want to go with you! I would ask you myself, but you see, you make me really nervous because you're so increadibly gorgeous. So anyway, if you get around to it (and I really hope you do) please ask me to the prom. That would make me very very happy.
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Post by LisaRocksYourWorld, yo on Apr 19, 2002 15:01:12 GMT -5
To Alicia.the.Starlet: B: STOP HURTING HER, for Christ's sake. (I had to do it -------------- S: I'm so glad things are getting better between us. You're my best friend. I really don't know if I can expect a relationship between us, but we get along great and that's all that matters. I love you (but not in that way... Well, I could, but I won't since I'd just end up getting hurt again). T: You're everything a girl could possibly want... Nice, sweet, smart, funny, hottest thang walkin'... I want you. I'm enjoying the eye contact, hopefully we'll have more conversation in the future.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on Apr 19, 2002 17:03:10 GMT -5
S ~ God I'm sick of you. I really am. I just want to get over you. Why do you have to make that so f*cking hard for me? Every time I get even relatively close to finally moving on, you have to ruin it, with your stupid charm or stupid lies. And what's worse, I fall for it every time. You know I do. You know exactly what to do to have me fall in love with you over and over and over again. I'm tired of it. I really am. I just want to live my life and be happy again. Why can't you just let me? I suppose it makes you happy that I'm not even in control of my emotions. I love you, I hate you, I love you again. With everything you've done to me, I should have been over you forever ago. Somehow I'm still not. And I'm doing everything within my power to try. Believe me I am. I stay up night after night forcing myself to not think of you as I drift off to sleep. I make it a point to avoid you. I try and focus on all your bad qualities. And it doesn't work. I always swore I'd never let a guy have this much power over me, and it pisses me off that I let you. I honestly thought I was over you last time. Then when N told me that you cried when you told her about my cutting because you "love me so much" and it "hurt you to see what she's doing to herself", and how happy you were when I was doing better, I fell for you harder than ever. I thought you cared so much, loved me so much, etc etc etc. You don't. I figured that out after another heartbreaking conversation with you...and it tore me up inside because I hadn't bothered to try and protect myself from you. So I guess what I'm trying to say is to just let me let go. I'm trying so hard, and you ruin it every time. Let me get over you. Stop haunting my thoughts, stop acting so sweet (because I know that's all it is, it's acting), stop breaking my heart. Please. I really can't take it anymore.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 19, 2002 20:04:04 GMT -5
LisaRocksTheWorld: Thank you for saying that to B!!
B: I can't take this anymore. I want to be your friend still, but I don't know if I can. It's too hard. You flirt with me a little and I instantly get that old feeling back. And I try to just ignore that whole Cammie part of your life, but it's just there. I don't mean to be around you all the time. I really don't. I'm not following you, I hope you don't think that I am. Listen, Brad, you are such a great guy, and all I want you to know is that I love you. I wish that you would love me too.
J: I'm over it. You suck.
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Post by Keista1 on Apr 19, 2002 20:16:09 GMT -5
K.T--I like you so much, and you don't even notice me! I have liked you for two years, purposely bumped into you, taken different routes at school so i could see you, and even introduced myself, and you don't even notice me. I am so tired of it! You kinda look like a jerk, now that I think about it. You always have some girl hanging on you, you were never like that before. What happened? You are awesome at the piano! What can I say? I don't know, I am tired of spending my time on you though. I don't think you are worth it, even though I wish you were.
K.K.--We were best friends last year, what happened? You started hanging out w/her this year, and now you are totally different. She has made you a new person. She is nice and all, but definately not you. You have done things that you would of never thought of doing last year, and I know it is to be like her. You even told me you didn't like what she had pulled you into! And now that 13-year old deliquent? WHY? I guess all I can say right now is why. I wish it was like last year, we had SOOOOO much fun. I miss it like crazy. Sometimes I cry thinking about how much we have changed and grown apart. I hope maybe this summer things will change, but I don't know. Thanks for how much fun we had last year, I hope we can get that again.
Wow, I never realized how much that would help. It helped take a lot off my chest. Thanks TigerBaby for making this thread!
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Post by x n0ise on Apr 20, 2002 1:13:35 GMT -5
J: I had a great time with you tonight. You complete me, you really do. I know you're it - I know you're 'the one'. I'm so happy that you understand me. That you understand that I don't want to go that far sexually just yet. That's what makes you so great. You understand completely, you listen, share, you're sweet, gentle(sensitive), and kind in all ways possible. I know we can last. But you gotta remember that communication is the key. Or maybe that would be on my part. Anyhoo. I love you. I do and I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it. I know I haven't told you that yet, but I don't think you're ready. I know you won't say "I love you" very much. Not even to your Ma or Sis. But that's okay if you're not ready to say it. I understand your past and what you went through. I know you love me through you're actions. Just know that I'm always here for you, baby. Don't ever forget that. You're a very special person, and you can go far in life. Don't let anything hold you back.
R: Um, stop flirting. It won't work. You're annoying. You're unimportant to me right now and you know that. So just give up and stop trying, okay? It'll do us bothsome good...you know I have J.
JS: I know we're awesome friends. And I've really been able to tolerate you lately, surprisingly. I like that, it's great. Hopefully we can become close trust-wise. I would like to think that I could tell you everything that goes on in my life and have your trust to keep that. I know I would surely do the same for you!
E: What happened to us? We were best friends since PreSchool...why are we all of the sudden drifting apart. And the sad thing is - I'm not really hurt by it. I hate to say it, but it's true. And at the same time I wish I had you back as a friend. But now all you do is chill with the 'populars' and I can't trust you. I can't tell you anything at all. All you do is blab, which is totally uncool. You should have figured that out by now. Get it together, okay? You're not Miss. Perfect anymore.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 21, 2002 19:38:16 GMT -5
B: I'm not going to pretend like I'm not in love with you anymore. I can't. It's too hard. I'm just going to let it be a part of my life, and treat it like nothing special- maybe then I'll get over you. Because when I try to block you out of my mind or push away, I end up thinking about you because I'm thinking about how I'm not thinking about you or something like that. So now, I'm just going to let myself feel what I feel for you, but I'm not going to try to break you and Cammie up. Isn't that all I can do? And we'll have to leave eachother in a few months anyway, right? And Cammie will still be here. So maybe this is better. I don't know. I just know that I can't pretend like you don't matter to me anymore, because you do and you are important to me and I love you.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on Apr 22, 2002 2:25:00 GMT -5
V ~ What the hell is your problem? Is it that hard to be there for me, or, at the very very least, not get upset with me at things I can't control? I was talking to L the other night and she brought up an interesting point - you still, to this day, are mad at me, M, A, and L for telling the counselor about your eating disorder. Because we were worried about you. We didn't tell anyone else, even though you were throwing it in people's faces for attention (like D, M, C, etc). That was over two months ago and you're still mad. Yet when I think about what you did to me, you have no right to be angry. First you stopped talking to me because I was cutting myself. Then, when you heard me lie about it, you got pissed off and told S. That's when my life started to fall apart. But could you be there for me? No. You just continued being mad at me. But I didn't want to make any more trouble for myself, so I let it go. Then after S hurt me like he did, like you KNEW he did, like you knew he WOULD, you felt you had the right to tell me how great of a person he was, UNLIKE me, how I was such a b*tch for being angry, and how I should just get over it because "he's nice and you're not". Wow that hurt. I can't believe I considered you a close friend. I can't help it that I have depression. I can't help it I've been let down by everyone. I can't help it my life sucks. I can't help it S has hurt me so bad I cried myself to sleep for a week. Are you aware of that? I CAN'T HELP IT. But I can help dealing with people like you. Unsupportive, rude, hurtful people. I'm not going to put up with it anymore. If I can't express the emotions I feel around you, or tell you anything without you telling me off for it, you're not worth my time.
S ~ God you confuse me. I don't even know what I feel about you. My feelings about you are like a rollercoaster - high and low, high and low. Everytime I think I'm over you, you find some way to change my mind. You act like you care. And me, being the most vulnerable person I know right now, I fall for it EVERY SINGLE TIME. And as much as I try not to, I can't help it. I suppose you don't know it, but I was always an extremely independent person. It kills me that I let you change that. At the moment, I feel like I like you less. But I know that's going to change the minute you start screwing with my emotions again. And I know you will. Because that's how it's been ever since you came into my life. I don't even know what to do. Everything about you causes me pain. Liking you causes me pain..because my heart gets broken. Trying to get over you causes me pain..because it doesn't work, as hard as I try. I find it incredibly funny you say you respect me and you love me and you care about me. You don't respect me and you know it. You don't love me and you know it. You sure as hell don't care about me, I know that for sure. But you know that I love hearing that. You know exactly what I love to hear, because I don't get a lot of love in my life...so you say it. I know now that you don't mean a word of it, and my heart breaks all over again, knowing that. But right now, I'm strong. I don't have to talk to you, and I realize I am an awesome person without you. I'm actually a better person without you, because I focus on bigger priorities. I'm not over you, but I don't see you as the wonderful, sweet, caring, supportive good guy like I used to. And that's a good sign. Because you aren't. And I really and truly hope you don't do anything to try and change that, because you aren't healthy for me anymore. I'm changing my life, and if you can't respect my emotions and my problems, I can't respect you. I desperately need to get over you. I need to move on, stop thinking about you, and find new guys. So I have two words: LET ME. It really is that simple. Just let me be happy again.
*Edited to add something*
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 24, 2002 0:15:23 GMT -5
B: It feels like a Friday, and gosh, I wish it was, because then I wouldn't have to go to school and see you tomorrow. School is like a trap, it's like a small hell, because I can't escape you. Not only are you in my classes but you are also a huge part of the school (being our main sports guy) and so it's very difficult to get away from you. There are 11 pictures of you in the display case in the West hall. Yes, I counted. And everytime I walk by them, I try to look away. I wish I didn't have to see you. I love you so much. I would do anything... I would do anything, if I didn't have to leave you next year. I won't be anywhere near you. You won't be a part of my daily life. Maybe it will be better, maybe I'll forget you, or at least forget that I love you. But I can tell, you will always be a part of me. I always thought that sounded so cheesy and I didn't understand it... until now. You have become such a part of my life, Bradley, that I can't shake you, no matter what I do. Brad, I will always love you.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on Apr 24, 2002 2:17:59 GMT -5
M ~ Every time I think you can't be any worse of a person, I get proven wrong. But you've really outdone yourself this time. I can't believe you've been talking about me and my cutting with S, K, and A. And not only discussing it, forwarding them the arguments we've had over instant messanger, which sure as hell is going to make me seem like a bad person since I really couldn't control my temper. That really beats all. "Talk to me Gabi, vent to me, tell me how you feel...so I can go share it with 327 other people". What is your problem? Don't you realize how bad you screwed up by calling the cops, and now by thinking it's your right to discuss something you know NOTHING about with other people? How dare you take my extremely personal issues, and not only call the cops (and ruin my life I might add) but talk about it with other people? But I suppose that's easy for you. I mean, after all, I'm not there to explain myself, and so it's easy for you to make me out to be the bad person. And I know you do, because that's how you talk to me, blaming my depression and cutting on myself, and saying it's MY fault this whole thing is overdramatized because I walk around acting "suicidal". Bullshit. What you don't know is that I can tell you're trying to shift your guilt to me. Well, you know, a month or two it would have worked, but it's not going to this time. You are NOT the victim here. You are NOT the good person here. I am. And as conceited as it sounds, it's true. I have been trying my hardest to be a good Christian about this...not discuss it with other people, even though I have every right to. But you know something I realized? You are not worth my time. You are a waste of my valuable time and energy, and I really don't care what you think of me. I could care less, because your opinion is of no value to me. You are not worth anything to me. S ~ I'm so confused about you. I don't even know what to think. As hard as I try, I can't ever be in control of my feelings when it comes to you. A while ago I said that I was always going between love and hate with you - I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you. It just came to me that I feel both those emotions about you. I hate you for everything you've done to me, for all the time's you've hurt me, for all the nights I cried myself to sleep, for not letting me get over. And yet I can't stop loving you. I don't know why, but I wish I did. I don't want to love you anymore. I want to finally be able to function normally. I want to be able to go through my life not thinking about you. I want to be able to see you on my buddy list and truly not want to talk to you. I want to be able to be telling the truth when I say I don't like anyone. I want to not care when you do something to me. And it makes me wonder...if I want that so much, why can't I let myself have it? And I still haven't found that answer. Maybe there's a reason I still like you so much, or maybe it's just there to make me a stronger person. If that's the reason, it's worked. I am very strong now...I've realized I don't need a guy to make me happy..and that's priceless to me. But I've learned my lesson, and now it's time for me to move on. It's time for me to stop liking you...it's not healthy anymore. It never was. To still like you after you've caused me so much pain..it's just not healthy. So what I really need is for you to let me. I know I've said that a million times, but it's true. I don't want to like you anymore...and I'm very determined. So you just need to do your part get out of my life. Or at least out of my thoughts. Please. If you care about me half as much as you say you do, you'll do this.
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