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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 24, 2002 20:23:38 GMT -5
B: I don't know what was wrong today, but I hope that you are feeling better. It kind of scared me, to see you so upset. I think of you as this eternally happy person who just walks through life with no problems, but, today, I got to see the other side of you. And yes, I love that side too.
M: Thank you for everything. For allowing me to open up and do all the things that I am afraid to do. It really helps to be able to express myself in front of you. Thank you so much.
C: I'm wishing the worst for you, right now, although I know that's probably not what B was upset about. But I don't want you to be with him anymore. I really don't. Could you just break up with him already.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 25, 2002 23:14:48 GMT -5
To everyone I know: I am so confused. I don't know where to go. I was so certain about my decisions and then, in a second, everything changed and now I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right thing is. Please help me, I am so totally lost.
B: I know that you are so into C and everything, but I wish that you weren't. I really wish you weren't.
J: I'm reeling from this pain that's in me. How could this happen. This is so not the way I saw my life going. What am I going to do? I have only a few days before it's too late and I have no options. I'm embarrassed to go alone. What do I do. Please save me.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 26, 2002 18:41:53 GMT -5
M: I'm really hurt. You always said that you would never leave me for a guy, but you are. I needed you last night. I was so confused, and I needed to talk to you. But you weren't there for me. I'm not trying to praise myself when I say this, but I have always been there for you. I have driven to your house in the middle of the night, I have listened to you talk for hours, I have ditched school for you, I have given up things to talk to you, I have risked our friendship to save your life, I have faced my biggest fear for you... I didn't go out with Brad because you didn't want me to, and you can't even call me. I just needed your input, we have been friends for so long. I just needed your help, and you couldn't even call. You didn't even really care. All you can talk about is Jason. I am happy for you, I really am and I think that Jason is a great guy and I think that you are good for eachother, but I think you are being one of "those girls" that we always talked about. The ones who leave their friends for a guy... but wait... no... you haven't left Brad. You spend time with him still and if he needed to talk to you, you would no down put down everything and run over to his house, even in the rain, in the dark, in the middle of the night, but you can't even call me. It hurts me, because I feel like I'm the only one who puts anything in to this friendship. I'm sick of doing it. I love you M, and we won't be near eachother next year... I'm going to miss you. I just was hoping that you would be there for me. I guess not.
C: I don't know how this friendship is going to work. How can I be friends with you... I'm in love with your boyfriend!!!. Doesn't that bother you at all? It kind of bothers me, becuase I can't talk to you about him... he's your boyfriend. And it kind of bugs me when you talk about him. Also, the closer we get the bigger jerk I feel like. I feel like the biggest back stabber because I like your boyfriend... even though I liked him first and you knew about it and you went out with him anyway! and I feel like the backstabber?!?!?! I can't hate you because we are friends and we were friends before you and Brad and I can't stop liking him because I liked him before you and Brad and becasue I just can't! I dont' know how this is going to work.
B: You cause way too many problems! Go away!
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Post by GabiGirl23 on Apr 26, 2002 18:45:34 GMT -5
Alicia ~ I already PMed you hon.
M ~ You know what I realized the other day? I'm wasting my time being angry with you. It's not worth it. You're not worth any of my time. Calling the cops was the stupidest, lamest, dumbest thing you could have done and you have to know that. Even with your lack of common sense you have to know that. When the cops show up at your house and threaten to take you to Tri City, you're gonna feel fear. Fear puts you more in your depression, depression makes you want to cut more. Obviously you didn't think that far ahead of yourself. You may think it was gonna be all fine and dandy, but you didn't feel fear because you were only doing it for attention from S. You admitted that. So when you're only doing it for attention, it's no big deal right? Well, it was one hell of a big deal for me. But not big enough that I stopped cutting. Only in the past two weeks have I stopped, and that's NOT because of the psychologist or your stupid idea of calling the cops. It's because I have a great best friend like L who will pull me out of things. I told her everything in my life, and she understood. I finally felt like someone cared. And I know you're going to take credit for this. I know you're going to say, "Yeah she stopped because of me". But I really don't care. I know that it wasn't because of you. It was because of my own will, and my best friend helping me. And I don't care how many other people believe you, because if they're just going to believe all the sh*t you feed them, they're not worth my time. If they can't respect me for how hard I've worked, then I can't respect them. The people that really matter to me are the only one's whos opinions I care about - D, J, L, M, N, etc. You're not one of them. Neither is S, A, or K...or anyone you've been telling. I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished and you taking credit for that isn't going to dim that pride. Anyone with half a brain can see right through you. But anyways, the point is...you're not worth my time, or energy, or breath. You can say whatever you want to me, it won't bother me. I know it's not true, and I don't value you at all.
N ~ Thank you so much. That's all I can say. Thank you. You go through so much crap in your life, yet you took the time to talk to me. And you didn't even know me. S just came up to you, said he had a friend in trouble, and you dove right into the situation...even after what he did to you. And as angry as I was at S for that, and still am, I'm glad he told you. I'm not glad he betrayed me, I'm still angry about that..but I'm glad he found *you*. It's been so good to talk to someone who's been through everything I have..you make me feel so happy just talking to you, knowing that someone cares, knowing that supports me. So thank you..and God bless.
S ~ I don't know. I honestly don't. But it's not getting to me like it used to. You're a hard person to get over, but that's not my fault. It's also not my fault that I fell for your lies about loving me and caring for me. That's what I so wanted to hear...but I know that's not true. But you know what I realized, that's made all the difference? Other people do. I have a group of the best friends I could wish for...that all care about me and love me. And quite frankly, I don't need your saying you do. Because other people genuinely care about me. So I'm not over you, and maybe I never will be. But it doesn't bother me. My heart's not broken anymore. When I think about you with another girl, I don't feel like I can't breathe. When I think about what you did to me, it still makes me upset and I'm still hurt but I'm finally able to feel anger. I'm letting myself be angry at you. You had no right to lecture me, especially in the state I was in. I was talking to L last week and she pointed out how funny it was that as much as you say you care and you love me, did you take the time to find out *why* I was cutting? All you could see were the cuts on my wrist...did you ever try and find out why I was doing it, why I hated myself and my life so much? No. You just lectured. And I really didn't need that, especially at the low point I was at. And you know, maybe I'm luring myself into a false sense of security again. Maybe when we go back to school on Monday, I'm going to see you and fall harder for you than ever. But I doubt it. Because I'm done putting myself through that, and I'm going to avoid you as much as possible. I'm not going to be rude, but we sure as heck aren't going to be close like we were. Because I have other people to be close to, to share things with...you're not one of them. I'm not over you, but I've moved on. Hallelujah.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 27, 2002 19:27:10 GMT -5
M: I guess I'm really hurt because I feel like you care more about Brad than about me. I know that the two of you are best friends but we have been friends for twelve years. It seems like when you wanted me and Brad together (even though you changed your mind and ruined the whole thing!) you would always hang out with me and call me and stuff, and now it seems like you are always with Cammie. I feel like you are only friends with whoever Brad likes. I feel like Cammie has taken my place, in so many ways, not only with Brad, but with you too, and that makes this so much worse. I gave up being with the guy I love because you asked me to, I didn't want to lose our friendship, and now, it looks as though I'm losing it anyway.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on Apr 28, 2002 23:19:49 GMT -5
L ~ Thank you so much...for being there for me through everything. For not abandoning me. For listening so many nights..for never letting me down. For everything basically. You showed me that you care at a time when I was sure nobody in the world did..you stuck by me when the only other person in the world I trusted abandoned me. I love our late night conversations that last 3 hours, when we laugh so hard we can't talk, our first period Chorus experiences (being incredibly hyper), our really deep conversations about life and people and God. Speaking of God...you introduced me to Christianity, I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. So basically, thank you for pulling me out of everything and never giving up on me. You're my best friend and I love you.
S ~ I don't know how things are going to go tomorrow. I'm going to see you for the first time in two weeks...and I don't know how it'll go. I know I've changed a lot over the past 2 weeks and maybe you won't like the change. Maybe you won't like to fact that I'm happier now, that I don't need to depend on you, that I don't care what people say, that I'm getting over you. But whatever...I don't care if you don't like it, because I like actually being happy again. I like being glad to wake up in the morning, to appreciate the good points of my life, to actually have a good day. And right now, my happiness is taking priority over you...for the first time. Ain't that amazing? So I guess we'll see how tomorrow gos...we'll just see how it goes.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on Apr 29, 2002 17:46:07 GMT -5
M ~ UGH. I swore I wasn't going to let you get to me but you are. You really are. First of all, you come into school first day of last quarter and think it's your right to discuss what happened over break with A, one of my best friends? In case you don't know..IT'S NOT. I have been trying so hard to be the good person here, to not talk to anybody about the kind of anger I feel, because I'm not big on talking shit about other people when they're not around. I even told D to slap me if I started saying anything about you, and he jokingly agreed. I've tried to be a good Christian, to be a good person, but you're making it so f*cking hard. I know what you're trying to pull, hanging out with all my friends, telling them stuff about me - stop. Just stop. You've ruined my life - aren't you f*cking satisfied yet? But you know, my day today has been filled with crap, but it's still a good day. It will always be a good day, because at the end of the day, I'm not you. And that's the greatest gift possible.
AF ~ Oh please don't make me fall for you. You are, and I really can't do that. You're flirting with me and making me laugh and doing everything S did...and I am so vulnerable right now. I'm starting to really like you, but you're only in school for another month...could that really work out?
A and V ~ All I can say is...it hurts. It hurts a lot.
S ~ Oh, so many things are running through my mind I can't begin to sort them out. First off, stop with the preaching - don't even go there. You tell me I need to "make peace" with M, well let me tell you, that ain't about to happen. So stop wasting both of our time...and if you don't have anything constructive to say, for once in your life, STAY OUT OF IT. And the whole thing today at lunch..what the hell was that about? When you were talking to A.F., "No she's got such a sweet face she doesn't give evil looks like that. She only scares me when she's all pissed off at me all the time". Have you not caught on to this yet? Maybe not. Let me spell it out for you: I'm not like any of the other girls that like you. Well, I'm not even sure that I even like you anymore, but anywhoo...I don't worship the ground you walk on. I don't see past all your faults, and I especially won't take your shit. I'm the type of person, you throw something at me I'll throw it right back. You betrayed me, broke my heart, lied to me, and basically emotionally killed me. I sure as hell have the right to be angry with you. And if you can't try to understand my feelings, I can't respect you. So basically..either learn how to be a decent person or leave me alone. That simple.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on Apr 30, 2002 0:15:06 GMT -5
J: Please don't fall in love with me. Please. I can see it in your eyes and the way you are talking... but I just want to be friends... if that even. Just because we are going to the Prom together doesn't mean that I want to marry you, so please, please, don't look at me like that. I'm sorry. At the Prom, could you just, let me hang out with my friends? No offense, but I didn't want to go with a date for a reason. I know I'm being totally harsh, but I just don't like you in that way, and I can feel that you are starting to get that way. Please don't fall in love with me. I should warn you ahead of time. I freak out. I turn into a psycho bitch. Let's just be friends, please? I don't want to hurt you.
B: God, I want to go with you. I've been planning it for so long... I guess I never planned on you finding her. Well, I'm almost ready to leave you. I wish it was tomorrow. I'm tired of hurting because of you and I want to move on. I just have to wait a few months, right?
C: I'd still be oh-so-happy if you wanted to break up with him. No objections here... *pssst*... I don't know if you know this... but sometimes he doesn't brush his teeth... and he has dirty socks... just in case you wanted to know.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on May 1, 2002 21:29:05 GMT -5
V ~ I know it shouldn't be bugging me, but for some reason it does. It hurts so bad, even though it shouldn't. You have every right to be friends with M. It just really tears me up inside you're *better* friends after she's done this...God it hurts. L ~ Oh please please please don't like him. You have A...I guess it's a little late to be telling you this though. I've already fallen for him. Maybe he does like you. He was flirting a whole hell of a lot with me, though, but maybe that's his standard girl procedure. But even if he doesn't, I won't ever ever do anything with him, because you're my best friend and I can't do that to you. I wouldn't. Just please wake up tomorrow and realize there's tons of other guys who like you, and pick someone else. Please. A.F. ~ Wow I like you. A lot. Too much for my own good in my current state. I loved being with you on Monday, and I loved it today. I love hanging out with you, flirting with you, being close with you. I'm rushing into this, though, and it scares me. I know we barely know each other...I kinda realized that when you told me I was one person you could always count on to be happy, because I'm always happy..that's not exactly true. But I love the fact that you don't know about my cutting and depression...I finally have someone who won't judge me. I don't know, I just had so much fun sitting next to you today, and when you put your arm around me, and when we were talking...I was having such a bad day but you cheered me up so much...I love it. J ~ UGH. Why do you have to be so freaking immature? I really was starting to have feelings for you, as more than just one of my best friends. But I guess I should be glad I realized this before the feelings got any stronger. I would have just loved to like a guy who's such a sweetheart and who really knows me. But if you can't act the same way around me when you're with your friends as when we're alone..it ain't gonna work. M ~ Now my anger is mixed with something else...I don't even know what it is. I can't believe you sent me that e-mail...about how I'm the bad person, with my "snotty and negative attitude" and how I'm talking "so much shit about you". You don't know jackcrap about what you're saying. I have been trying so incredibly hard to be the good person, to not say anything, and it's been working. I have "Be a good Christian/YoungAmbassador/Mediator" written on my hand for crying out loud, to remind me. So don't tell me I'M talking shit about you. And don't tell me "not to talk to you". I haven't said a word to you since Monday morning, when you were talking to A. And even then it was only about 3 sentences. So get over yourself. I'm doing everything I possibly can to NOT talk to you, NOT talk about you behind your back, etc. So stop giving me these stupid accusations. S ~ Oh wow...you're doing it again. You're being a sweetie and making me fall for you. You really can't do that. I was doing so good, liking A.F. and being all positive and happy again...I lost it, though, when you brushed the hair out of my face. You know that's the one thing to get me to smile and like you all over again. And when you talked to me while I was crying today...I don't know, it was like old times. Like when I could tell you anything and I did. But things with you have changed and I can't tell you everything anymore. What scares me is that today, I wanted to. I wanted to tell you what was wrong, to pour my heart out, to have you tell me everything would be OK, and tell me that you cared about me. I actually wanted that...and it scares me. I don't want to fall for you again. I'm already hitting another low point with my depression, I don't need another heartbreak on top of it, especially since I have a feeling I already have one waiting for me.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on May 2, 2002 17:59:50 GMT -5
M ~ Stop it please. It's no longer out of anger. It's out of hurt. I know you're only hanging out with my friends to piss me off. How many hours have you spent dissing them to me, calling them "good little Christians who live under a rock"? A lot. So it's kinda obvious. You have the right to hang out with whoever you want to, but it's not right to do this to me. I know how much you dislike them, you're just doing it to get to me. And it is.
AF ~ You're confusing me. Do you like me or not? I like you. I really like you, not only as a crush but you're an awesome person too People say you like L, yet you flirt with me so much...more than with her. Please don't lead me on.
S ~ So you found out. Dammit. But I only did it once, last night..I just slipped up. There's only 5 cuts, it's not that bad. Please please please don't call anyone. And please don't lecture me. I feel so terrible about it already... You told me to look into your eyes and promise that I would never do it again, but I can't. I want to, but I can't. Because I can't break that promise, and I know I might. Just...be there for me. Please I really can't deal with anything else right now. Hopefully you learned something from how well your lecturing/betraying/blackmailing theory worked last time. In case you didn't, it didn't work at all. So please...don't.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on May 2, 2002 17:59:54 GMT -5
M ~ Stop it please. It's no longer out of anger. It's out of hurt. I know you're only hanging out with my friends to piss me off. How many hours have you spent dissing them to me, calling them "good little Christians who live under a rock"? A lot. So it's kinda obvious. You have the right to hang out with whoever you want to, but it's not right to do this to me. I know how much you dislike them, you're just doing it to get to me. And it is.
AF ~ You're confusing me. Do you like me or not? I like you. I really like you, not only as a crush but you're an awesome person too People say you like L, yet you flirt with me so much...more than with her. Please don't lead me on.
S ~ So you found out. Dammit. But I only did it once, last night..I just slipped up. There's only 5 cuts, it's not that bad. Please please please don't call anyone. And please don't lecture me. I feel so terrible about it already... You told me to look into your eyes and promise that I would never do it again, but I can't. I want to, but I can't. Because I can't break that promise, and I know I might. Just...be there for me. Please I really can't deal with anything else right now. Hopefully you learned something from how well your lecturing/betraying/blackmailing theory worked last time. In case you didn't, it didn't work at all. So please...don't.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on May 2, 2002 18:02:53 GMT -5
M ~ Stop it please. It's no longer out of anger. It's out of hurt. I know you're only hanging out with my friends to piss me off. How many hours have you spent dissing them to me, calling them "good little Christians who live under a rock"? A lot. So it's kinda obvious. You have the right to hang out with whoever you want to, but it's not right to do this to me. I know how much you dislike them, you're just doing it to get to me. And it is.
AF ~ You're confusing me. Do you like me or not? I like you. I really like you, not only as a crush but you're an awesome person too People say you like L, yet you flirt with me so much...more than with her. Please don't lead me on.
S ~ So you found out. Dammit. But I only did it once, last night..I just slipped up. There's only 5 cuts, it's not that bad. Please please please don't call anyone. And please don't lecture me. I feel so terrible about it already... You told me to look into your eyes and promise that I would never do it again, but I can't. I want to, but I can't. Because I can't break that promise, and I know I might. Just...be there for me. Please I really can't deal with anything else right now. Hopefully you learned something from how well your lecturing/betraying/blackmailing theory worked last time. In case you didn't, it didn't work at all. So please...don't.
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Post by dubiety on May 2, 2002 18:31:15 GMT -5
D - oooh i think im falling for you. falling for you big time. you're all i ever think about. i love history class because you're in it. but the thing is, i really don't know how you feel about me. we only talk a little bit. but i always catch you looking at me in class, and i don't know what to do with that.
K - you are crazy girl! i hope that we will be friends as long as we live. you always make me happy, and you're full of sunshine, even if you aren't even trying to be. i hope that you never lose your specialness.
I - *sigh* what do i do about you....my feelings for you are just neutral. i never liked you in the first place, and i could never like you. i hope that you will realize that one day. the only reason why i've distanced myself from you, is that you'll go all goo goo eyed on me. i don't want that.
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Post by GabiGirl23 on May 3, 2002 17:20:47 GMT -5
To all my chick friends right now ~ Ugh. Stop with the cattiness already. One of the things I loved most about you guys is the fact that you WEREN'T catty like all the other girls in our grade. It's so lame, and it's a waste of everyone's time and energy. So just stop.
AF ~ OK, so you apparently have feelings for her too. I'm OK with that, because I was expecting it. But you know..the whole flirting thing..if you're gonna go out with her..has gotta stop. She's my best friend. And I know what you saw today at lunch must have freaked you out...when you pulled up my sweatshirt sleeve and saw my wrist. I know it must have, because we talked about it. I guess it's kind of a big revelation for you..I'm not the happy go lucky person you think I am. But please please please don't tell anyone. I don't think you would because you don't seem like that kinda guy. You're a good friend and I'm glad it's you instead of someone else who found out.
S ~ Do you know how much you're scaring me? Telling me that you might call the cops? How can you expect me to talk to you when I'm afraid you're going to call someone? Granted, you have been better about it than last time. Apparently you did learn something..I didn't think it possible. I know you say it hurts you to watch me doing this, but I'm OK. Really. I'll be fine. So PLEASE don't call someone.
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Post by alicia.the.starlet on May 4, 2002 0:01:43 GMT -5
M: I miss you! Where are you? I see you and you are physically there... but mentally, you're not. I miss you.
L: Okay, I'm sick of this. What the hell is your problem? Why are you being so critical of me all the sudden? I know what my faults are you, you don't have to point them out. God! Who are you to tell me what to do? I'll treat him however I want to, whether or not you tell me to be nice. I'm so sick of how you act like you are better than everyone. It drives me crazy. You don't know everything. It's so impossible for me to be friends with you sometimes. It's work. And you act like my mom. Can't you just be my friend and listen to what I have to say rather than telling me what to do all the time. It's so annoying.
K: I guess we're not best friends anymore. Nothing happened, I can just see that I have been replaced. I wonder why you do that to people. Just kind of leave them. We used to do everything together, and now you do everything with R. It hurts, I have to say, it hurts a lot. I do miss having a best friend.
B: Well, you know, same old same old. I'm still in love with you. It still doesn't make any kind of difference for anything. Things are getting easier though. But still... I still love you and it isn't easy. Even though it's easier, it will never be easy.
J: You really bug me. Everything about you. Everytime I see you, I feel sick. And you annoy me. I don't know, something about you is just so creepy. I'm going to have fun, but it's not going to be because of you and if I can help it, it won't be with you either. So, yeah, if you could just leave me alone, that would be fantastic. Thanks.
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