How would you feel if i was?

[strangelilboi]

I have an idea for this thread. I hope it will catch on and that it will make people more honest and forthcoming and less inclined to brush forums off as a place for small talk.

I'd like everyone to post, when they feel ready, a confession, no matter how odd, shocking or difficult to stomach. A confession about their real selves. No lies...

The only rules are to keep the language as policially correct as possible. And reply comments have to be kind and understanding.

[busybodies]

It's been agreed that no replies are allowed to be judgemental about the person they are talking about, as confessions are senstive.
Remember, this is not about labelling and judging, its about getting to know one another better.

[busybodies]

Since nobody else seems to want to go first...

I'm insecure. About myself, about my future, I hold no hopes about what my life could bring because I don't want to raise my hopes and be disappointed if it doesn't work out the way I had imagined. That's why I even refuse to say what I want to do in university because saying it makes it sound so concrete and I'm of the opinion that nothing is certain in this world. I'm uncertain of myself. I don't think I'm capable of doing most stuff (even though others might think differently) and I doubt my ability to make the correct decisions. This often makes me wonder if I can do what I really want to do in life- serve others.

My biggest fear, to the point of it being paranoia, is having my parents and brother die before me. I'm not afraid of dying and if it were up to me, I'd want to leave before I had to face living without one of them. It's a sad way to live, but that's the way it goes. I come home from school wondering what if? What if something's happened when I was away... fatalistic, melancholy me. I'm terrified of losing someone I love. I need love but I shy away from it when I get it. I was in one serious relationship and through it I was wondering if he was serious about me (and bless him, he was) till I broke up with him because I couldn't bear him breaking up with me. Talk about throwing away something that was yours I need acceptance. I may deny it, but I know deep down, I need it.

I dislike most aspects of myself. I keep comparing myself to others and me being the perfectionist that I am, try to live up to expectations (other's and my own- the latter often tends to be harsher).

Now wasn't that a crock of rubbish

[strangelilboi]

My biggest fear, to the point of it being paranoia, is having my parents and brother die before me. I'm not afraid of dying and if it were up to me, I'd want to leave before I had to face living without one of them.

Yeah i sort of know what you mean. Its not your dying thats the worry, its the other people that you love. I hate being alone too. Its probly part of human nature and that.

I personally am insecure too. I am insecure about success especially. So much so that even when it happens i am eternally suspicious and never allow myself to enjoy it even for a moment. I feel that i have to prove myself at every step. Mostly to myself. I am my greatest critic and i cant love myself.

The other day, i found myself being absolutely jealous of one of my best friends. The worst thing about it it that i am not a normally jealous person and i dont know how to react to jealousy.

Being alone with myself was a big fear of me. Until i discovered...painfully... that no one will ever love, care or understand me as much as i will. I mean my parents do love and care. But they wont understand. And these things work with differing degrees with my friends as well.

You sound a lot like me, busy. Life's such that u just have to pick up ur bag, put all the stuff thats fallen out back in...throw away the broken stuff... and carry on walking.
You just have to keep moving.

[busybodies]

<<Life's such that u just have to pick up ur bag, put all the stuff thats fallen out back in...throw away the broken stuff... and carry on walking.>>
I like that Well put.

<<Until i discovered...painfully... that no one will ever love, care or understand me as much as i will.>>
Nobody will ever understand you as much as you do, but sometimes I think that's a good thing. I'm not sure how far I'd want ANYone to read into me, if you know what I mean. As for loving and caring, that'll come when you find the right person. Friends do care about you, but it's limited. If you're lucky enough you will find somebody who loves you so deeply they put you before themselves. Chances are they'll be the best to understand you too.

[strangelilboi]

Anyone else? cmon dont be shy.....nobody's a loser... step young lad...madame's et messieurs

[SunShine]

<<<Being alone with myself was a big fear of me. Until i discovered...painfully... that no one will ever love, care or understand me as much as i will. I mean my parents do love and care. But they wont understand. And these things work with differing degrees with my friends as well.>>>

This is a big issue for me as well. I can never talk to people I actually know in person about how I feel. I want so badly someone that understands me fully, that has the same opinions and beliefs as I do and that I can trust completely, but I know that will never happen. It's a lonely world. The best I can hope for is someone that will put up with me..

Okay..

I've been practically starving myself for about a week, and honestly I'm scared. I don't know what came over me. It wasn't something I had planned or even considered. I just woke up one day and decided not to eat.

What really scared me was when I visited a pro-eating disorder website for info and tips. I don't know what to think of this.. I feel like a fat cow when I eat. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I just feel so much better when I'm not eating much.I know that is really bad.. At what point of sad lowness does a person have to be to start starving themselves? I plan to start eating healthily when I reach my goal weight, but I know I will probably never be satisfied..

[strangelilboi]

Kathryn... first i'd like to say that no one can help unless u decide to yourself. I mean, i'd love to come round and switch ur mind across...but i cant ...

Secondly, I know how u feel about feeling fat. No matter how much weight u lose or how good ur think u feel, there's always someone who will think otherwise.

What u need to ask urself is that, is it worth being thin for a little while, and sacrifice ur later life just for what someone else thinks? I mean we really do push ourselves right now, to be thinner than thin and fit into those jeans and for people to not laugh if u get out of the big baggy clothes...

But i mean how long can we live like this. The only way to really get ur weight down is to exercise slowly and build up with it...eat fruits and veg and a balanced diet. But i spose this is harder than it looks....

Anyone else with comments?